Trigger

A friend & get husband aretrying to get some type of legal custody, of their nieces who have been living with them for 6 months and now their addict mother has taken off. This was supposed to be until she got back on her feet.

Yesterday I was brainstorming an action plan, mainly based upon experience with all professionals as I dealt with many of these for my mentally ill son. Also losing my daughter thru emancipation the judge made her mind up before I even arrived. This was Portland, they know me in my town.

I realized a few hours ago I feel wiped out bc helping my friend has triggered my anger at my ex and his wife re manipulating my daughter during early teen years right after divorce.

This time I’m focusing on letting myself feel instead of analyzing repeatedly. May God treat them with the same mercy and grace they dealt to me.

My daughter is an antifa punk and I think it stems from misplaced anger misplaced blame & she was allowed to justify her anger and play victim in regards to her mother. Aka Satan incarnate ha.

Punks from what I can tell all are anger and violence and so is Antifa. She’s only been arrested once thank God.

I allowed her to go with him to Portland but when I visited I realized we had no relationship and I wanted her back and he refused. I had no $ for a lawyer. By the time I did she was 16.

I hope he is happy but he and his wife have always thought she walks on water they indulged her & now she indulges herself including 2 corner spider web tats on her forehead!

I told him repeatedly she had anger problems when she was a teen but they did not believe me. Instead blaming me and how I confronted her on issues.

I need to let myself feel without thinking however besides the fact that it hurts..im afraid the waves of emotion will turn to a tsunami.

But I’m stronger now. I’m I. A good space tonite with quiet so if it blows so be it. I fucking hate him and neither he his wife nor even my daughter at this point are with my precious emotional energy!

Mindfulness My Way, Do It YOUR Way

Mindfulness my way do it your way
Mindfulness my way do it your way

Ola Dudes! Mindfulness is a Buddhist- then Self Help-New Age-then self help regurgitated- “new” practice because its backed up by neurological studies. 1. I’m 52, I’ve dabbled in all the trends. 2. My son was diagnosed ADHD, and he is more then that, we were on the curve of technology confirming mental illness is a biological thing. I remember when people believed it was “diet” (although we didn’t eat food dyes, red40 was awful), or “parenting”. 3. Psychology Today magazine published this on its cover, I remember CLEARLY.

Yes there is still ignorance out there but it’s better then it was. As an advocate for my son, I had to learn every thing about meds and neurology, the best I could as a layperson. The key is understanding how the brain works.

Not one “treatment” fits all. Our brains are unique and amazing. We have lots of technology but still don’t know what causes epilepsy or how to cure it. It’s been around forever, it’s a brain thing.

So I’m not going to meditate it’s boring. I’m not going to the gym, its boring.

Hairy Woodpecker, on left side of fruit tree trunk in my backyard.

I do it my way. not trying to put the square peg in the round hole! I don’t even know where the dam holes are!

Backyard Bird watching is my meditation, and mindfulness practice. We also go birdwatching because our area has lots of rare or unusually seen birds migrating through it. Including seeing bald eagles, on a regular basis. I have had a hawk twice land in my yard.

find the small joy. repeat.

Find the young Pacific Tree Frogs, Notice camouflage differences.

There is a canal at the end of my dead end street. It is frog city . We have observed hundreds of tadpoles, then they became froglets in different stages of growing legs, and now they are froglets. It has been an AMAZING process to watch.

Even in Oregon, (remember I live in the dry part AKA NOT Portlandia-opposite side of state) frogs are diminishing in number because their habitats are disappearing. My Neighbor cuts down the foliage along the canal on our side for bug control. However, he leaves some for the habitat.

I struggle in winter.

Last year our summer was nonexistent, we limited time outside due to smoke. Then, in froze early-October. Then it was snow and ice and snow and ice until April. That was one of our longer winters. Sometimes it’s cold all winter, sometimes it freezes less but more snow. Usually we are the sunniest place in Oregon, cold and sun. However last winter I really struggled with suicidal thoughts and I increased my meds on my own, to get through that time. I have since returned to my regular dose. I am not going to walk on the icy road and slip , for example. It’s the holidays (no family-don’t ask=toxic & empty nest), its the weather, it’s my husband is gone a lot on OT for snow and ice removal at the college grounds.

In future I will write some lifestyle changes I have made to help manage my anxiety. The practices I’m working on currently are to prepare for winter.

Finally let’s not underestimate the critters.

I got this in text. He was on the table trying to open the treat bag, then looked to Dad for help. If you are busted, make it work for you!

House sit, OR does your shelter have a petting area-ours is no kill and has for cats. OR can you borrow a friends dog to walk? Or go to a pet shop? OR get a fish?

(okay i admit, i wanted an excuse to show off one of my doggo’s . lol) Remember, …….your style, IS the new black.

From Anxiety to OCD and back

First,then.

Diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago, (nature+nurture), depression became expressed as anxiety about 35yo. This is common, theory is that it’s the same neurological process, only expressed differently. After my daughter emancipates (to remain living w/her stepdad who raised her, long story), my anxiety increases to OCD.

That was 5 years ago. Many positive lifestyle changes, a healthy new marriage, a new career path etc, my OCD -let alone sleep was barely manageable. I googled “why my daughter..(and the suggestion hates me) ACTUALLY was a google suggestion WOW.

This book came up first suggestion and I am on chapter 2. IT has helped immensely. My goal is to remain on the journey back from OCD and PAST allowing the fact my now 21 yo daughter has not spoken to me for 5 years.

thIS Book-mindfulness crafting, & some other practices have helped me paddle through those rapids successfully.

So this blog is a blog for myself, and if it helps others-which i hope it will-great. its the first time in my whole life I’m writing because I want to. NOT for others, not for a solid practical reason. this blog is selfish. this blog is one way i’m going to have a paddle to go upriver from ocd.