I cant

Fired last Friday. Emotional outburst with my teacher partner. It’s PTSD I can’t handle politics & manipulation. This inability always makes me the bad guy. Acting and appearing like the bad guy. First thing I did was apply for unemployment, join 2 counseling groups since I now have time to learn emo management skills. Med changes to help suicidal thoughts. But I can’t do that to my husband.

More tommorrow. Still getting past shock. I feel like this little squirrel. Balled up and sleeping protected

This was me and is me

I protested in the 90s after serving army against the Gulf war no blood for oil..we

Didn’t wear black weren’t violent protested after 5 bc we all had jobs

This was the grunge movement time in Seattle aka nirvana during aids epidemic I spent time volunteering working writing poetry

I’ve always tried to make a difference by doing

I’m 52 now less energy and idealism but

I try to serve where I am preach at all time without using words

I’m wiser and thing critically accept 0 at its face, love my husband my dogs and NATURE.

As a headstart teacher I will be involved in community again.change starts with community. But not anger.

Hate only breeds hate. MLK and even MalcomX came to that..you can’t fight hate and ignorance with hate..you cannot use your enemies weapons to fight him.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that anxiety zaps my creativity, & not to throw pearls before swine. I’ve reminded myself and this blog helps.

She’s let go I haven’t

I didn’t habe OCD until she stopped speaking to me & the ex difficulties etc. I’m worried about the Portland protests sat they’ve been violent & she’s part of antifa.

I look back & she was a regular k8d and her tee. Years were in debate and on honor roll. The only glimpse of this was her anger at me.

And yes everyone in that subculture is like this fueled by anger and who cares ..

She’s been in fights I worry everyday about her safety..

She’s only 21 but so extreme the forehead tatt..when she got the 2nd not pictured I lost all hope..

I pray a lot more now instead of just think think

No-one ever tells you as a parent the young adult years are the hardest bc you can’t do a damn thing..

These are tame a photographer took these , she is researching Portland youth subcultures..

She’s absolutely photogenic and a beauty in real life,,people have always taken pics of her .off and on..and , smart, good social skills emotionally intelligent…ok she had everything going for her..


A friend & get husband aretrying to get some type of legal custody, of their nieces who have been living with them for 6 months and now their addict mother has taken off. This was supposed to be until she got back on her feet.

Yesterday I was brainstorming an action plan, mainly based upon experience with all professionals as I dealt with many of these for my mentally ill son. Also losing my daughter thru emancipation the judge made her mind up before I even arrived. This was Portland, they know me in my town.

I realized a few hours ago I feel wiped out bc helping my friend has triggered my anger at my ex and his wife re manipulating my daughter during early teen years right after divorce.

This time I’m focusing on letting myself feel instead of analyzing repeatedly. May God treat them with the same mercy and grace they dealt to me.

My daughter is an antifa punk and I think it stems from misplaced anger misplaced blame & she was allowed to justify her anger and play victim in regards to her mother. Aka Satan incarnate ha.

Punks from what I can tell all are anger and violence and so is Antifa. She’s only been arrested once thank God.

I allowed her to go with him to Portland but when I visited I realized we had no relationship and I wanted her back and he refused. I had no $ for a lawyer. By the time I did she was 16.

I hope he is happy but he and his wife have always thought she walks on water they indulged her & now she indulges herself including 2 corner spider web tats on her forehead!

I told him repeatedly she had anger problems when she was a teen but they did not believe me. Instead blaming me and how I confronted her on issues.

I need to let myself feel without thinking however besides the fact that it hurts..im afraid the waves of emotion will turn to a tsunami.

But I’m stronger now. I’m I. A good space tonite with quiet so if it blows so be it. I fucking hate him and neither he his wife nor even my daughter at this point are with my precious emotional energy!

Increasing Mindfulness as a Craft Ninja: bookmark for mindfulness

The main purpose of this blog is to focus on increasing mindfulness. To change mindset to “increasing mindfulness” vs. “decreasing anxiety”, as part of identity. Since switching, I have noticed increased positivity. An unforeseen side effect of calling myself names= recording OVER those old tapes from others that I inhaled as part of my identity. I pursue mindfulness. I donate my crafted bookmarks to the library. I have a stable mindset. I create.

Creating a post isn’t mindful haha, but it is satisfying. If /when anyone tries these, let me know if effective. thanks!


Adult coloring page, Elmer’s glue, Paper, coloring tools, scissors, contact paper.

Ideally cardstock is best, but I have been using bond paper. Also, if using cardstock, then covering with contact paper may not be necessary . You can get as crazy as you want with paper types.

Use colored pencils, crayons, markers, whatever for your coloring page.

Google “free adult coloring page” and one can be printed off so buying a book isn’t necessary.

For mindfulness purposes-don’t fall into my OCD trap. IE I still am tempted to go and buy the largest pack of Sharpies in ALL the colors. Or sticky glitter paper.

For mindfulness purposes: To increase mindfulness, the craft is done with the repetition of step. So, one day I do step one, step one, step one, step one, step one. Cutting only. The next day I do, step two, step two, step two, step two, step two. Coloring only. So on with each Step.

One side of bookmark made for mindfulness

PREPARATION: Decide how many book marks you want to make in total. Gather supplies. Put on what you want to listen to, if anything. Find a clean, quiet space. Even a TV Tray will do.


Cut plain paper into bookmark template.

( Mine vary in size b/c I was given scraps. Mine are approx 5×2″, or 2×3″. Honestly I don’t think people care what size it is. Cut the size YOU like)


Cut adult coloring page into pieces that are 2 inches bigger then template. When cutting-THIS is a fun part- keep mindful of how the design looks AS A SEPARATE PIECE.

STEP THREE: color page pieces. Since 2 templates are needed for each bookmark, you can choose to color “pairs” that are complementary, identical, themed or totally different. THIS is a fun part.

STEP FOUR: Choose pairs and glue together.

Glueing colored flower piece onto template

STEP FIVE: Cover with contact paper if desired. I have experience with contact paper and find this to be a royal pain so if at all possible, don’t USE IT. (I have made about 20 of these bookmarks and because I’m donating I want them to be a bit nice looking.)

remember, IF this is done steps 1,2,3,4,5 without the repetition its not mindful. its just crafting.

Silly Sunday : Starting the week with Mindfulness

Be Silly. Be Mindful.
last year’s halloween outfit I made the hat from a box, I was the butterfly lady. Silliness is one of my coping skills and i no longer care if other people get it. My mental state is more important & my peers get boring.
Finn the Human from Adventure Time and my poor husband has to be Jake haha, but he’s an old school star wars fan so it’s Com pri mise. haha


NOT THE VIDEO, THE SONG, LOAD THE DISHWASHER OR SOMETHING. LOL Funk it up. Because funking it up is like when I almost trip and act like i meant to do that ha.


It’s real, not photoshop. I forgot to write down the name.
its all about perspective


(bc if you apply it, it will skew your perspective. Take this from a total cynic who’s always seeking the NEW instead of regurgitated)


Case Kenny (Just a dudebroguy w/ perspective )

No really. I’d like to induldge in sharing how inhaling/applying this episode set me up a staircase, to going through a door of which I now stand in a ferris wheel place of aprehension /excitement, awaiting my turn. But I won’t.