I cant

Fired last Friday. Emotional outburst with my teacher partner. It’s PTSD I can’t handle politics & manipulation. This inability always makes me the bad guy. Acting and appearing like the bad guy. First thing I did was apply for unemployment, join 2 counseling groups since I now have time to learn emo management skills. Med changes to help suicidal thoughts. But I can’t do that to my husband.

More tommorrow. Still getting past shock. I feel like this little squirrel. Balled up and sleeping protected

Visitation of the Waxwings

Our side Plum and an Aspen tree
Our Patio and Humble Garden
Far Left = red apples Front right = plums Back Right = greenish yellow apples. The sandbox is a Robin Bath/Frog habitat now. Countless Fruit has fallen u nder the trees even though we’ve been picking/gathering.

Here in SE Oregon we are in the sunniest town in the state, non of that overcast winter mildness where farms and wineries abound in the rest of the state. Winters are snowy, if we are having a “good winter” so we don’t have drought. Otherwise, they are cold. Ranging from below 0 to below freezing. I’m in the minority preferring winter. But winter is when all of the birds, deer and other wildlife comes down from the mountains “into town”. As such we are all tied to the weather, (much different from my california upbringing) and as for me, am tied to nature. It’s why I moved here. I gave up convienienance so I could be in the midst of nature all the time. 3 years ago we started renting here & thus began my “backyard birdwatching” Nature is spirituality for me. It’s mental health. I spend hours observing everyday wildlife like robin’s and the canal at the end of our street. I am blessed, but at the same time I know I went through hell and sacrifice to be where I need to be.

The Magnificent Cedar Waxwings, they are named for the shiny “red wax” on wings. photo from animalspot.net
PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/article/Lament-for-a-cedar-waxwing-10923306.php#photo-12349248

This year, our plum trees really went crazy with all the fruit! The trees experienced pruining last spring. NOTE: pruning – which we at times interpret as loss- is vital for us not to waste our life energy on extra branches.

I have a bucket list for Oregon birds, the 1st time I ever saw a Cedar Waxwing was this summer camping and I’ve been in this area for 16 years. They have the mask and little piece of feather “hair” sticking out the back.

3 wks ago, I was picking plums I did leave some on the ground for the birds purposefully. I get robins, bluejays, different finches, different sparrows/doves and woodpeckers when fall begins.

Imagine my shock when a FLOCK of these descended on the GROUND under each of my plum trees! Yes, a few would go and pinch off a plum with their beaks to fall on the ground.

A phone pic wouldn’t have given them justice and I didn’t want to scare them off. It was kind of like the pic below, but with 20 under my trees- on the ground…

Honestly I could not find any google photo, copyrighted or not- that had an entire flock of cedar waxwings- eating fruit on the ground under a tree. Many UP in trees, but not groundfeeding.

NOR have they returned, as a flock. I still get a few, but nothing like that weekend. It was a spiritual moment expressed, an invisible epiphany, kismet or the confirmation of it. The importance of it lost on me until reflection and discussion with a friend the following week.

The fact that common birds, butterflies, bees, frogs are losing in numbers due to loss of habitat….does the average person notice the birds singing in the suburbs? To truly learn, one must have the time-the space- and the external quiet for a friendly environment. It’s “mindfulness” but really? . Why is everything about humans, me and you?

Observing Bees- WHAT I LEARNED

i SAT IN A CHAIR OBSERVING THE BEES ON THIS BUSH. tHERE WERE 20 EST.

i MADE MENTAL NOTES ABOUT WHAT I NOTICED BUT DIDN’T CARE IF I REMEMBERED. i KEPT THE ABOVE PHOTO AS MY PHONE WALLPAPER, AND REFERRED TO IT FROM TIME TO TIME. GOING TO SLEEP I RECALLED THE IMAGE.

2 wks later : bees + Me =

  1. Bees didn’t care if they had to share with other bees, other types of bees, or other insects. (diversity and inclusion)
  2. Bees didn’t care if another bee got in the way or landed very close, just moved over or to a different part. (its okay to allow others to get in my “space” without permission) (accomodation)
  3. Bees didn’t respond to my movement. If my shadow fell they moved over from the shadow. Bees were neither afraid nor anxious. **this really gets me. apparently they trusted themselves to know if there was danger, and, as a PTSD person- really they trusted so to speak. there was no apprehension, but they did have awareness.

Now I will try to incorporate these practices into my own practices with others