I cant

Fired last Friday. Emotional outburst with my teacher partner. It’s PTSD I can’t handle politics & manipulation. This inability always makes me the bad guy. Acting and appearing like the bad guy. First thing I did was apply for unemployment, join 2 counseling groups since I now have time to learn emo management skills. Med changes to help suicidal thoughts. But I can’t do that to my husband.

More tommorrow. Still getting past shock. I feel like this little squirrel. Balled up and sleeping protected

sneaky OCD

As I sit here I’m thinking about how to share with my team member on how to download shape templates instead of redrawing them for classroom bins.


1. Control as in, “it’s not my job”.

2. Perfection. “I can’t do everything ” , “everything can’t be done my way” or am I supposed to. Don’t rob folks of their own journey.

3. Circle thoughts. Robbing me of the here and now because I’m obsessing about Monday morning and its Saturday and i’m not at work.

New training in a new job. It’s healthy to review some things that I brought home but is NOT healthy to be repeating situations mentally.

This aspect of OCD will never stop. It will especially pop up with new situations, in my job every day is different. It’s always that way with teaching young children.

Repeating thoughts as taming an animal. Herding it, bc fighting it only makes the animal bigger.

I am kind to myself, and it.

I am proud to developed awareness that I even noticed that animal hiding. I coaxed it out and put it in its own containment area. Then I bring out another animal. Usually listening to a podcast or book. Sometimes doing a chore or thinking about a project.

For me bc I’m also ADD, downtime is my enemy. I practice it with breathing and bird-watching. I have added mindfulness because I can no longer cope by staying busy all the time and distracting myself. Distracting results in depression or repeating thoughts I cannot manage without emotional damage or inability to function.

This was me and is me

I protested in the 90s after serving army against the Gulf war no blood for oil..we

Didn’t wear black weren’t violent protested after 5 bc we all had jobs

This was the grunge movement time in Seattle aka nirvana during aids epidemic I spent time volunteering working writing poetry

I’ve always tried to make a difference by doing

I’m 52 now less energy and idealism but

I try to serve where I am preach at all time without using words

I’m wiser and thing critically accept 0 at its face, love my husband my dogs and NATURE.

As a headstart teacher I will be involved in community again.change starts with community. But not anger.

Hate only breeds hate. MLK and even MalcomX came to that..you can’t fight hate and ignorance with hate..you cannot use your enemies weapons to fight him.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that anxiety zaps my creativity, & not to throw pearls before swine. I’ve reminded myself and this blog helps.


A friend & get husband aretrying to get some type of legal custody, of their nieces who have been living with them for 6 months and now their addict mother has taken off. This was supposed to be until she got back on her feet.

Yesterday I was brainstorming an action plan, mainly based upon experience with all professionals as I dealt with many of these for my mentally ill son. Also losing my daughter thru emancipation the judge made her mind up before I even arrived. This was Portland, they know me in my town.

I realized a few hours ago I feel wiped out bc helping my friend has triggered my anger at my ex and his wife re manipulating my daughter during early teen years right after divorce.

This time I’m focusing on letting myself feel instead of analyzing repeatedly. May God treat them with the same mercy and grace they dealt to me.

My daughter is an antifa punk and I think it stems from misplaced anger misplaced blame & she was allowed to justify her anger and play victim in regards to her mother. Aka Satan incarnate ha.

Punks from what I can tell all are anger and violence and so is Antifa. She’s only been arrested once thank God.

I allowed her to go with him to Portland but when I visited I realized we had no relationship and I wanted her back and he refused. I had no $ for a lawyer. By the time I did she was 16.

I hope he is happy but he and his wife have always thought she walks on water they indulged her & now she indulges herself including 2 corner spider web tats on her forehead!

I told him repeatedly she had anger problems when she was a teen but they did not believe me. Instead blaming me and how I confronted her on issues.

I need to let myself feel without thinking however besides the fact that it hurts..im afraid the waves of emotion will turn to a tsunami.

But I’m stronger now. I’m I. A good space tonite with quiet so if it blows so be it. I fucking hate him and neither he his wife nor even my daughter at this point are with my precious emotional energy!

Sarcastic Saturday

PS came up with a craft to 8ncrease mindfulness by shutting door on obsessive thoughts. Hope to have post done next week. It’s a cool craft.

I’ve been busy packing up my home daycare. Involves rearranging the house also. I’m not reacting 100% to the disorganization. Instead of anxiey I’m getting migraines. The one bright spot is I found a friend to give some of the cooler stuff to! Their family is adopting children she had been watching as the mom took off. Our town is economically repressed with high abuse rates, and few foster care homes. I don’t need my girl stuff as I will only have the boys to visit during school breaks. I didn’t want to take it to Goodwill so I could contribute to the CEO’s annual bonus. I’m so thrilled to pass on giodness I can’t express! Differences ate made in small ways! I have the boys next week then I start at Head start proudly serving underpriveliged families. It’s taken me 8 years to get to a “good job”. I am allowing myself pats on the back. I was not always strong but I didn’t give up. More like limping across the finish line haha.

On a side note the Portland Proud Boys vs Antifa thing scheduled on 8/17 bothers me. The daughter who hates me us a hardcore punk previously involved, last year she had her own hashtag & was on national news. Anger is beneficial is used productively. I have. Experience protesting in my 20s. The 90s and no internet so no social media power. But we were peaceful. My adage is if I feel strongly then I DO, not TALK.

My conviction is violence solves NOTHING. How is Antifa any different then Rude Boys on the OUTSIDE?

I walk what I speak. POC weren’t in this town until the 90’s I was told. I grew up in Fresno so never identified as a color. Until I moved here & white folks started speaking racist to me and I have verbally called them on the spot. The n word is still used here. I’m waiting for someone to say something when I’m with the boys I will come unglued.

And I was raised in a racist family however I knew from the age of 5 it was wrong. There is NO excuse.

As a mother I’m worried because my daughter gets in fight because if what she says on social media. Ok she blocked me but I’m her mother I’m not stupid I know how to get around it so I know she’s o.k. If she grew up where I did she’d not get away with stuff. That said social media has turned the younger generation into brats. Yes I’m old. She now has a corner web tatt on each side of her hairline above her forehead so forgive me for my sarcasm. Honestly because I was in Seattle during the grunge movement I got a tatt. On my wrist and when I moved back to Fresno I had to cover it for work. I drew it tribal style, lotus flower.

Lotus flowers, here we have a species called Wocus that are revered by the Tribe here, only grow in mud. They are beauty as a result if ugly, it’s rising above. That’s how I wanted to be at 26 and still.

It’s a struggle to focus on the beautiful, as a deep sensitive (hsp) person in this ugly ass culture. My daughter and I are similar, but I’ve never embraced hate or anger, though I’ve struggled with the latter. The real fight is with ourselves.

If you hav read all if this, let me know, it gives me hope. If you disagree I’m happy to exchange productive dialogue.

Current Mood Below:

Taken by someone, after an American riot years ago.

3 kinds of red foxes! Unbelievable!

The most funnest to hang out with

Best creative use of Barbie

Best does grow on trees

Excitement =anxiety=excitement

We are going camping with friends. I haven’t been for many years. I haven’t even taken an overnight trip for over 3 years.

This is because the preparation caused my anxiety to go off the scale. This morning my body feels like it has no skin. I am excited mentally. My mind is like a race horse pulling at the bit, trying to take off.

My challenge will be not to snap at my husband, or the angel boys we take care if til 4.

I have my med appt, my fingerprints for new job & taking boys to library for bingo and lunch. All low stress activities.

I’m going to practice my practices:

Writing here

Listening to daily audio bible


Awareness of self

Asking for mercy to soothe my nerves

This area if Oregon is remote & plumb in the middle of relatively untouched forests,rivers,narshes etc. We are camping at a non tourist lake area.

For example we walked by a deer on my street the other day.

I’m excited to:

Walk with my doggies

Get in water

See new perching birds





Camping is the only time I relax 100%. I used to do it all the time. It’s vital after long winter.

I’m excited to go and, overcome a slight challenge. Baby steps.

What do you like to do that can be a challenge?

Silly Sunday : Starting the week with Mindfulness

Be Silly. Be Mindful.
last year’s halloween outfit I made the hat from a box, I was the butterfly lady. Silliness is one of my coping skills and i no longer care if other people get it. My mental state is more important & my peers get boring.
Finn the Human from Adventure Time and my poor husband has to be Jake haha, but he’s an old school star wars fan so it’s Com pri mise. haha


NOT THE VIDEO, THE SONG, LOAD THE DISHWASHER OR SOMETHING. LOL Funk it up. Because funking it up is like when I almost trip and act like i meant to do that ha.


It’s real, not photoshop. I forgot to write down the name.
its all about perspective


(bc if you apply it, it will skew your perspective. Take this from a total cynic who’s always seeking the NEW instead of regurgitated)


Case Kenny (Just a dudebroguy w/ perspective )

No really. I’d like to induldge in sharing how inhaling/applying this episode set me up a staircase, to going through a door of which I now stand in a ferris wheel place of aprehension /excitement, awaiting my turn. But I won’t.

Freak out Friday

I went for a job interview yesterday at Head START. The preschool for disadvantaged kids. My anxiety is off the charts bc of the NOT knowing.

I already run my home preschool but in SEPT will only have 1 kid. We aren’t in $ crisis but tight. I’m always PROACTIVE, which is a benefit of anxiety.

If today’s over with no call, I didn’t get the job. So of course, the day is going by SLOOOOOWWWWLLLLLY/.

Attempting to inhale this quote from Gratitude App this morning:

“Overthinking will destroy your happiness and your mood. It’ll make everything worse than it actually is. Take a deep breath, exhale and have faith. What’s meant to be will be.”

Ummm easier said….

#anxiety #OCD #anxietyattack #anxietyproblems

From Anxiety to OCD and back


Diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago, (nature+nurture), depression became expressed as anxiety about 35yo. This is common, theory is that it’s the same neurological process, only expressed differently. After my daughter emancipates (to remain living w/her stepdad who raised her, long story), my anxiety increases to OCD.

That was 5 years ago. Many positive lifestyle changes, a healthy new marriage, a new career path etc, my OCD -let alone sleep was barely manageable. I googled “why my daughter..(and the suggestion hates me) ACTUALLY was a google suggestion WOW.

This book came up first suggestion and I am on chapter 2. IT has helped immensely. My goal is to remain on the journey back from OCD and PAST allowing the fact my now 21 yo daughter has not spoken to me for 5 years.

thIS Book-mindfulness crafting, & some other practices have helped me paddle through those rapids successfully.

So this blog is a blog for myself, and if it helps others-which i hope it will-great. its the first time in my whole life I’m writing because I want to. NOT for others, not for a solid practical reason. this blog is selfish. this blog is one way i’m going to have a paddle to go upriver from ocd.