She’s let go I haven’t

I didn’t habe OCD until she stopped speaking to me & the ex difficulties etc. I’m worried about the Portland protests sat they’ve been violent & she’s part of antifa.

I look back & she was a regular k8d and her tee. Years were in debate and on honor roll. The only glimpse of this was her anger at me.

And yes everyone in that subculture is like this fueled by anger and who cares ..

She’s been in fights I worry everyday about her safety..

She’s only 21 but so extreme the forehead tatt..when she got the 2nd not pictured I lost all hope..

I pray a lot more now instead of just think think

No-one ever tells you as a parent the young adult years are the hardest bc you can’t do a damn thing..

These are tame a photographer took these , she is researching Portland youth subcultures..

She’s absolutely photogenic and a beauty in real life,,people have always taken pics of her .off and on..and , smart, good social skills emotionally intelligent…ok she had everything going for her..

Trigger

A friend & get husband aretrying to get some type of legal custody, of their nieces who have been living with them for 6 months and now their addict mother has taken off. This was supposed to be until she got back on her feet.

Yesterday I was brainstorming an action plan, mainly based upon experience with all professionals as I dealt with many of these for my mentally ill son. Also losing my daughter thru emancipation the judge made her mind up before I even arrived. This was Portland, they know me in my town.

I realized a few hours ago I feel wiped out bc helping my friend has triggered my anger at my ex and his wife re manipulating my daughter during early teen years right after divorce.

This time I’m focusing on letting myself feel instead of analyzing repeatedly. May God treat them with the same mercy and grace they dealt to me.

My daughter is an antifa punk and I think it stems from misplaced anger misplaced blame & she was allowed to justify her anger and play victim in regards to her mother. Aka Satan incarnate ha.

Punks from what I can tell all are anger and violence and so is Antifa. She’s only been arrested once thank God.

I allowed her to go with him to Portland but when I visited I realized we had no relationship and I wanted her back and he refused. I had no $ for a lawyer. By the time I did she was 16.

I hope he is happy but he and his wife have always thought she walks on water they indulged her & now she indulges herself including 2 corner spider web tats on her forehead!

I told him repeatedly she had anger problems when she was a teen but they did not believe me. Instead blaming me and how I confronted her on issues.

I need to let myself feel without thinking however besides the fact that it hurts..im afraid the waves of emotion will turn to a tsunami.

But I’m stronger now. I’m I. A good space tonite with quiet so if it blows so be it. I fucking hate him and neither he his wife nor even my daughter at this point are with my precious emotional energy!

From Anxiety to OCD and back

First,then.

Diagnosed with depression 20+ years ago, (nature+nurture), depression became expressed as anxiety about 35yo. This is common, theory is that it’s the same neurological process, only expressed differently. After my daughter emancipates (to remain living w/her stepdad who raised her, long story), my anxiety increases to OCD.

That was 5 years ago. Many positive lifestyle changes, a healthy new marriage, a new career path etc, my OCD -let alone sleep was barely manageable. I googled “why my daughter..(and the suggestion hates me) ACTUALLY was a google suggestion WOW.

This book came up first suggestion and I am on chapter 2. IT has helped immensely. My goal is to remain on the journey back from OCD and PAST allowing the fact my now 21 yo daughter has not spoken to me for 5 years.

thIS Book-mindfulness crafting, & some other practices have helped me paddle through those rapids successfully.

So this blog is a blog for myself, and if it helps others-which i hope it will-great. its the first time in my whole life I’m writing because I want to. NOT for others, not for a solid practical reason. this blog is selfish. this blog is one way i’m going to have a paddle to go upriver from ocd.